


Love Lost (or is it?)

by MidnightAngel13



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt Poe Dameron, M/M, Poe Dameron Is A Mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23202628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightAngel13/pseuds/MidnightAngel13
Summary: Finn is getting married and Poe can't handle it.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Finn, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	1. I'm an idiot!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic. So sorry if something isnt correct. Im sorry some of the chapters are short and forgive grammatical errors. I will fix them when I catch them. Hope you guys enjoy it!! Thanks for reading!!

"Why am I such an idiot?" Poe couldn't believe he let the man he loves more than breathing get away. He has been head over heels in love with Finn for years. It all started when he took off that kriffing stormtrooper helmet. But Poe being the dumbass he is never could bring himself to tell him. He was afraid of losing him if he didnt reciprocate his feelings. Now he sat alone in his quarters feeling sucker punched by the news of Finn getting married to someone else. He would give anything to be on the receiving end of that gorgeous man's never ending affection. All the sweetly whispered "I love you's" and deep kisses from those delicious looking lips should be for him. But he was a damn nerfherding coward that couldn't admit he was stupid in love with his best friend. He was regretting all the times he could have told him but didn't. How was he supposes to sit and watch the love of his life marry another man without losing his collective shit. He wasn't thats how and he only had himself to blame. I have to get the hell out of dodge before the wedding. Suddenly an idea struck him and he was hauling ass out the door to the General's office. Hopefully the mission roster wasn't full yet.


	2. I gotta go

"What do you mean you aren't going to the wedding?!" Jess shouted as Snap yelled, "Are you out of your kriffing mind Poe?!" Poe rubbed his hand down his face as his best friends screamed at him. Honestly he expected this type of a reaction and maybe even getting slapped by Pava. But that didn't make their anger any easier to hear.  
"I can't do it guys. You know this would kill me to watch. I can't handle the pain of it. I know its my fault but that doesnt mean I can act like I'm happy about this." Poe said running his fingers through his dark unruly curls.  
"Your damn right it's your fault you idiot. Poe you are a fearless pilot when you're in the cockpit but that same fearlessness doesn't seem to follow you out of it. You should have told Finn how you felt years ago" Snap said to him.  
"I know I should have. Its to late now anyway and I can't ruin his day. He deserves all the happiness in the world. I can't lie and hide that kind of devastating pain from him. It would be better and easier for him if I just wasn't there." Poe stated as he shifted from one foot to the other.  
"You're a pile of bantha shit Poe Dameron. This will destroy Finn and you know it. How do you think he will feel when you don't show up? You are his best friend Poe. You can't do this to him. Stop being a kriffing coward and deal with your mistakes." Jess said while she crossed her arms and settled a death glare on him. Snap was still looking down at the floor in disappointment.  
" I'm leaving the night before the wedding." Poe said with a defeated voice. Both sets of eyes snapped to his almost simultaneously. Jess even more pissed with his admission seethed at him. "So our fearless Black Leader is tucking tail and running away because he is to afraid of his feelings. What the ever loving hell Poe!" Having come out of his shock Snap walked up to him and placed his hand on Poe's shoulder. "When that night are you headed out?" Snap askes with a saddened sigh.  
Jess still pissed and pacing looked at Snap like he grew an extra head. "You can't seriously be ok with this Snap. Poe can't just skip town on us and Finn. Where the hell are you even going?"  
"I talked to the General and volunteered for the year long recon mission. I'll be going to all the known First Order bases to help flush out any remaining officers or supporters. I knew you guys would be angry with me for leaving but I have to do this. For my own sanity I need space and time to let go of Finn. Force knows I will love that man forever but maybe I can learn to compartmentalize my despair and heartbreak away. Besides he will get on just fine without me in no time. I have to learn to do the same and that's just not possible here. Please understand why I gotta go guys. I need you guys to support me on this." Poe finished his voice pleading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More chapters to come!!


	3. Peace and closure?

In the end Jess and Snap were still galactically pissed with him but admitted to at least some what understanding his choice. That was honestly more than he expected he would get. But Jess did make him promise he would do something to get some kind of closure before he left. To somehow in a way make peace with himself and Finn before he flew off. It was the least he could do since she let him leave to pack without killing him first. But he didn't have a single clue how to achieve this without making more of a mess of things.  
After many hours of packing his things and getting everything ready to go he got the idea to just write Finn a letter. This way he would make peace with himself by finally telling Finn how he feels and get some kind of closure before he leaves. He could tell him he was leaving and why without having to see sadness in Finn's beautiful deep chocolate eyes. Finn was his biggest if not only weakness even if the man himself didn't know it. Poe knew he would fold along with his plans to leave if Finn looked at him with those eyes and begged him to stay. Finn is the sweetest and most caring being that Poe has ever met. There was no way he wouldn't beg Poe not to leave.  
In the hopes that this letter would help him get the peace and closure he desires Poe pours his entire soul into his words. He wanted this final letter to Finn to be perfect. However he would never admit to crying as he wrote the words his heart had trouble voicing out loud. It took what seemed like a million tries but in the end he was finally happy with the end result. Now all he had to do was wait to deliver it to the man he loves. He went to bed for the night with the sinking feeling that this final goodbye would be the death of him.


	4. Goodbye

It took Poe most of the day to go see Finn because he knew what was coming. The pain was his own making but that didn't change the fact that his heart broke a little bit more with every step he took towards his lost love. He was shaking in his boots but he had put it off long enough. He leaves soon and he had to stop being a coward even if it was only just a little. Finally he was knocking on Finn's door after about 5 failed attempts to do so.  
Poe's eyes nearly fell out of his head when Finn answered the door in nothing more than a pair of shorts. Holy kriff why did he have to be so damn hot? I swear the force hates me. FOCUS DAMERON FOCUS! Poe swallowed hard shaking himself out of his thoughts as he tried to drag his eyes away from the pure male perfection in front of him to look into Finn's eyes which were just as beautiful. Poe was definitely going to lose his mind or his sanity. Especially with the face splitting grin that was currently on Finn's face.  
"Hey buddy. How's it going?" Poe said trying to smile back. It was a horrible attempt but it was all he had. He was a pilot not a damn actor hell he was just happy his voice sounded calm and didnt crack.  
"Hey Poe! It's so good to see you. I've been busy but good. How have things been with you? Its been a good minute since I've seen you." Finn said happily as he moved to let Poe into the room. "I've been better but you know how it is. Anyway I brought you something." He said holding the letter he had written in the air for him to see. His hands were shaking like crazy but thankfully Finn didn't seem to notice or just didn't comment on it. Either way Poe was thankful.  
He smiled as Finn excitedly plucked the letter from Poe's fingers. He hoped the contents of said letter didnt dampen the happiness and sunshine radiating from that smile to much. "I love your eagerness but you can't open it yet. You have to wait until later tonight." Poe said not able to meet his eyes. Finn looked confused by the request but shrugged it away. "Fine." He replied with a fake pout that was so adorable Poe would have gave his last dime to kiss him. He also couldn't help the chuckle and genuine smile that came from him. Finn was always able to make him smile even when he was at his lowest point. It's one of his favorite things he loves about Finn.  
"Humor me on this ok buddy? Just this once." Poe said with a smile still on his face. Finn sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes playfully as he set the letter down on the counter. "So is the mysterious letter the only reason you came by or do you have some time to kill? I have a dinner meeting in a bit but we could hang out till then."  
Poe wanted so bad to say yes but he put off coming here so long that he was wheels up in less than an hour. So with a heavy heart he told Finn that he would love to but that he had somewhere to be. For a brief moment it looked like disappointment filtered over his features but was gone almost instantly. Poe wasnt even sure he really saw it or if his mind was messing with him. Besides with the letter and Finn's upcoming nuptuals on the near horizon he knew he wouldn't be able to relax anyway.  
Poe pulled Finn into a tight and final hug. Knowing it would be his last Poe held him as tight as he could get away with. He would miss the way Finn feels in his arms and how his scent always seems to calm him. The reality of never seeing this glorious man again was slowly starting to break him. He had to get out of here before he burst into tears and fell to his knees with grief. But he couldnt bring himself to let go just yet.  
"I hope you always stay happy Finn. That you have a great and fulfilling life with the person who means the absolute galaxy to you. You deserve every happiness possible. Bye Finn." Poe pulled away with reluctance and was out the door and headed towards the hanger before he could change his mind. With tears streaming silently down his face Poe put on his flight suit and jumped into Black One. With one last look towards where Finn's room should be Poe took a deep breath and flew away from his love.


	5. Finn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn's POV

Poe was long gone before Finn finally came back to himself. His thoughts were all over the place. He knew something wasn't right with Poe but he didn't have a clue what it was. All he could think was that their goodbye sounded way to final. But the thought didnt make any sense. The only way it would was if Poe was leaving but he would tell him if he were. I mean of course he would tell him. Right?  
He still couldn't shake the feeling like he was missing something even as he was getting ready to leave an hour later. That was when the letter popped back to the forefront of his mind. Maybe what was bothering Poe was in the letter. Poe was very important to him and if something was bothering him he wanted to help. He cared more for Poe than anyone but he couldn't ever admit that. Especially since he was getting married in the morning. It was a one sided love anyway. It always has been.  
Finn snatched up the letter off the counter and sat down at his table to read it before he walked out the door to go meet with Rey. But what he read was nothing like what he expected it to be. The words he read obliterated him to his very core. He could barely breath as he read the soul crushing letter Poe had written to him. He couldn't even stop the devastation that rocked him as tears fell down his face. 

Finn,  
I have written this letter so many kriffing times I lost count. We both know I have never been good at expressing my feelings. At least not the intimate ones. But for you I am going to try. I'll probably still mess it up but here goes. Sorry if it turns out bad.  
Finn I have been in love with you for years. You stole my breath away the second I saw your gorgeous face saying 'I need a pilot'. I didn't think I would ever be able to take a deep breath again and I haven't since. I realized I loved you when I woke up on that sand infested planet and I thought you were dead. Ive never been so gutted by a death before. I felt like you took a part of me with you. Then I saw you again and my head spun and I felt alive again.  
Then I became afraid of losing you and scaring you away with how deep my feelings ran for you. The closer we became the more terrified I was of my ever deepening feelings. Then you found someone else that will now be your husband. I was so devastated but it woke me up. I thought after a while it would end and I would fess up. But it didnt work that way. Just my luck huh buddy. I tried to make myself ok with it. I was happy that you were happy even if it wasnt with me.  
I will never regret loving you Finn. You will always be the best thing to ever happen to me even if i was a coward and let you get away. You will always be the love of my existence even though I understand I will never be yours.  
However I can no longer hide that seeing you with another man has been killing me slowly. My heart has broken little by little until I hardly have one left. But whatever pieces I still have in my possession will forever be yours. Because I have left all my love and heart with you where they belong.  
By the time you read this I will be half way across the galaxy. All I want is your happiness Finn because nothing means more to me than you. I'm so sorry it took me so long to tell you all of this. I was terrified you wouldn't return my feelings so I kept quiet. But in keeping them to myself I still ended up losing you. But I know my cowardice is my fault. Not telling you how stupid in love with you I am and always will be is going to haunt me till my dying day. It will forever be my biggest if not only regret. Be happy Finn and I will miss you more than I can say. I'm sorry. I love you.  
Poe

Finn has read and re-read the letter hoping it would change. But unfortunately the words that broke him remained the same. Finn was up and out the door without a second thought. "I can't let him go. I just can't. Not now." He thought aloud as he rushed to Poe's quarters. All he could do was hope he wasn't to late to stop him.  
Poe's door was left slightly ajar and the scene inside caused Finn to fall to his knees. The room was completely bare as if Poe had never even existed in it. The pain that ripped through him took his breath away. Tears fell so fast and hard down his cheeks it blocked out his vision. "Why didn't you just tell me? Why did you have to leave me alone?" Finn asked the empty room. Then a terrible thought occurred to him. Poe wasnt just gone but he had no intentions of ever coming back.


	6. Thoughts

It's been 2 long ass weeks since he hopped in his x-wing and left Finn. In this time he has learned that peace and closure are both complete bantha shit. He has yet to have either of them since he walked away from his love. Instead his daily companions have been despair and its friend depression.  
It doesn't matter what he is doing or where he happens to be the pain of his loss always finds him. He has been only half the man he was since he ran away. Flying his beloved Black One cant even put a smile on his face these days. He usually stays numb more often than not here lately. It has been painful knowing that he will never see Finn again.  
He tries to hide his torment from his pilots. He is at least somewhat successful when he is more focused on the mission at hand. They all know something has been bothering him but none of them will call him on it. Regardless of his foul moods they have made great progress in finding all thats left of the First Order. Which is why they are able to stay put in one place for the time being. Which has been really nice but Poe already misses being on the move.  
His thoughts are easier to ignore when he is busy and not sitting in his bunk alone. It's always worse on him when he is in bed at night and his mind can wonder. His thoughts always seem to go to the same place and the exact same person. He often thinks about if he may have made a mistake in leaving but can't seem to regret the decision. He may miss Finn with every fiber of his being but he knows it would have been worse if he had stayed. He just wanted Finn to be happy.  
The same things always seem to pass threw his mind as Finn dominates his thoughts. Like what is he doing now or how he is. But he knows that Finn would be married now and still on his honeymoon with his new husband. Those are the thoughts that torture his dreams or better yet nightmares. All he sees when he closes his eyes are his 'what if's'. What if instead Finn married him that day or what if Finn did stop him from leaving by kissing him senseless. It's painful to wake up knowing with out a doubt that what he dreamed will never come to pass. This knowledge tortures him more than Kylo Ren ever could. He did it to himself but that doesnt make it any easier on him. If anything it makes it worse. Just something else to add to the reasons he hates himself pile. All he can really do now is hope time helps make it at least a little bearable. Before Poe can finally fall asleep a loud insistent knock catches his attention. Who the kriff could be banging on his door this late at night..


	7. Finally

Poe couldn't believe his eyes when he finally opened his door. WAY TO GO DAMERON YOU FINALLY SNAPPED. There is no way in the ever loving force he is seeing who his mind says he is seeing. There is no possible way he is currently staring at the most gorgeous man in the galaxy. He is definitely dreaming because this can't be real. His mind was in a shocked mess.  
"Finn?" Poe finally muttered so low it was a surprise the younger man even heard him. But Finn slowly smirked as he shuffled Poe back into the room. His hand however lingered on Poe's bare chest as he looked up into his eyes.  
"Why would you ever think that leaving me was the answer Poe?" Still struck speechless by Finn's sudden appearance he couldn't do more than stare at the man before him.  
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be married and on your honeymoon right now? You should be with your husband. Not that I'm not happy to see you I am. Im thrilled in fact just very very confused. How did you even find me? I have missed you so much but we weren't supposed to see each other again. How did you even get here?" Poe spoke rapidly trying to sort out all of the chaotic thoughts jumbled up in his head.  
"Im not married Poe." Was the only answer Finn gave him as he pulled a very frazzled Poe Dameron into his arms. Poe automatically hugged Finn back tightly but he reluctantly pulled away after a minute to look Finn in the eyes.  
"But your wedding was the morning after I left." Finn dropped his head onto Poe's shoulder still holding him firmly in his arms. "I couldn't go through with it. Your letter thoroughly destroyed me after I read it. I just couldnt marry him after I found out the truth." Poe was still confused even after Finn's reply. Finn could see that the pilot still didnt understand. "You're such a clueless nerfherder Poe." Finn said as he yanked Poe's head down to kiss him like he has always wanted to. It took Poe a minute to catch up but when he did he started kissing Finn like his life depended on it. He knew it would hurt like hell later if this blew up in his face but he couldn't be bothered to give a kriff a the moment. All that mattered to him in that moment was that he was kissing this beautifully gorgeous man with all he had. After what seemed like hours they pulled away from each other to catch their breath.  
"I have loved you for such a long time Poe. I couldn't get married when I knew I would always love you more. Especially when I realized my feelings weren't one sided and that you loved me too. Marrying him after that wouldn't have been fair to any of us. I knew I had to follow after you. Once I finally got everything settled I forced Jess and Snap to tell me where you ran off to." Finn had to stop his explanation when Poe started to fiercely kiss him again. "Damn I love your lips. Sorry I interrupted but I couldn't help myself." Finn was giggling as he asked, "Can I finish my story now?" Poe nodded before tucking his face into Finn's neck to kiss the sensitive skin there causing Finn to lace his fingers through Poe's curls.  
"Anyway I had to come after you because I couldnt let you leave me. How could you ever think that taking yourself away from me would ever be a good thing? You're such an idiot Poe. But force do I love you." He pulled Poe's lips back to his and kissed him passionately and didnt stop until their minds began to short circuit.  
"By the way if you ever leave me again I'm kicking your ass into the next galaxy." Finn told him seriously. "Yes dear." Poe said with a grin not intimidated in the least. Finn couldnt help but smile back because he adored that sexy grin. "I love you so much Poe." He said placing his hand over Poe's heart. "I love you too Finn. Now I think we have years of loving to make up for don't you?" Poe said with a mischievous smile as he pulled Finn towards his bunk. "Yes love we most certainly do." Finn followed Poe's lead happily. Everything was perfect now.

Later when the two lay together blissed out and satisfied all either could think was...  
FINALLY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are welcome. For those who have thanks for the love❤


End file.
